You Only Wish For Death Once… Maybe Twice

Seeing as it has been months since I last talked about coffee I feel it’s pretty okay that I talk about coffee a little. Besides, it’s not every day I order “Death Wish Coffee” the worlds strongest coffee, drink and review it, now is it? Or to put it another way, it’s a good thing I don’t have a pre-existing heart condition.

An Oral Fixation

Avert your eyes! Do it, do it now! Your puny brain is not capable of comprehending the text and images that are to follow. For your own safety and the safety of your — present and future — children you must not read ahead. Like that Ark opening scene in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Nazis melt and shit, you too shall melt and shit… if you read on.

The Other Kind Of Green

I promise I'll try to make it interesting this time.

Back when I started drinking fresher coffee the idea was always that I would — at some point — roast my own coffee. I purposely put the idea on hold whilst we were living in Finland, partly because it was so difficult to get a hold of green beans and partly because I felt I needed to focus my time on other things. So roasting my own coffee had to wait, and wait it did. Until a few months ago when I ordered my first 2kg bag of green beans. So as you might have figured out by now this post is going to be about coffee, lots of mindbogglingly fresh and awesome coffee.

So if you want to find out how you could enjoy fresh coffee every day, brew yourself a — final — inferior cup of coffee and have a seat.

He Did It All For The Beans

Yeah, this one is about coffee. Again. But to be fair, it has been awhile since I last wrote about coffee and thanks to the power of "the jump" you can actually choose not to read it. How cool is that? It's pretty cool, that's how. But you're going to want to read it, aren't you?

Reviving the MBJ

Oh [deity] I just realised how much I miss my morning hit of MBJ. Yes.. The EmBeeJay.. The Manhattan Blow Job. Coffee, remember?

Since we moved I have been force to improvise many times, been forced to do things I'd rather not remember and much less speak of. You know what I mean. Drinking instant coffee — I'd rather stick my tongue in Satan's fiery butthole — buying ready-to-drink coffee drinks at Tesco's — "Are you fucking kidding me?!" it tastes like sweetener with a tiny little bit of coffee. I did at one point manage to find coffee beans in a few shops but when the package said proudly "BEST BEFORE May 2013" they lost me. Methinks not, no.. two week at best.. from the day the were roasted, which it didn't say. So no thanks, he who shall not be named *cough marks cough and spencer*.

So far, the wonderful people at Hasbean has been keeping me sane with door delivered fresh coffee. One of their beans, the Nicaragua Limoncillo Pacamara Natural 2012 "Funky" is so awesome it's mind-blowing, imagine a strawberry milkshake and you're pretty close. That reminds be, I should order some more before they run out of stock.

…

Right, I'm back. We're good? You're good? I'm good. So we're good? Good. Now that I have that taken care of let's get back to the MBJ — not to be confused with other street drugs — I have decided to revive it, by which I mean, start making it again and hopefully improve it even more. Although the summer's coming to an end and Autumn is rearing its red-tinted head (the carpet matches the drapes) some might say that "Surely not, it's getting too cold for you to drink Ice Coffee". I have two points of information for those nay-sayers. 1] You can make hot or cold coffee using a cold brewed concentrate. 2] On average the temperature drops to -15 °C around February in Finland, here in England it only drops to -5 °C. And last winter I had nothing but Iced Coffee, all winter. And it was magically delicious.

But before I can revive the MBJ I need to find a decent digital scale (didn't take my old one with me), some cloth to filter it through (I can't remember what it's called but I know where to find it), some ice cube trays and a good supply of coffee beans (the tiny bags at unnamed shops won't do).

I'll get back to you when I have successfully revived it. I'm also going to start roasting my own beans soon. And I have plans of recording some more songs.

Let's see how many of these things I manage to complete before the end of the year.

Awaiting Shipment

I just ordered some Costa Rica Perla Negra, Natural Organic via UK and now I'm waiting in anticipation for what it's going to be like. I try to make a habit out of not reading reviews or cupping notes beforehand. That way I can try to feel what I think about the coffee first, before my opinion gets "tainted" by actual experts at cupping.


Yes, it's called cupping.. but not the boob kind if that's what you were thinking.. or maybe that's just me?


I'll let you know ones I have had a taste. If nothing else, it gets the award for longest name so far.


On a different note, I have had time to play a little Batman: Arkham City.. but not enough to make a judgement yet. At least the beginning was exciting and gripping, kudos to Rocksteady Studios for (at least in my humble opinion) surpassing themselves in regards to the "intro". Especially considering that the "intro" for Batman: Arkham Asylum was quite good too.. But "Damn!" the introduction for BAC was better. I can't wait for when I have an hour or two of spare time so that I can continue to explore this fenced of part of Gotham.


I was also thinking about making an, sort of, educational post about coffee. Less of my own opinions and more of facts oriented, the very basics of coffee so to speak.. a little history and whatnot. I could call it "Coffees of the World, part Three Deux" but I will probably call it something else.


Would anyone be interested in that?

The Freshness Conundrum

Sorry if I came of too much as an elitist asshole back in Jamaican Blue Meh by the way. Whilst I do stand by my opinions I could have probably expressed them more delicately. I haven't edited the earlier post and I won't because I feel that would be more hypocritical than just letting it stay there as a testament to a part of my sometimes less charming personality.. or more charming? Or something like that. Why bring it up now instead of three weeks ago? Well, because once again.. it's coffee time!

First things first though as this is probably one of those things I could have clearer and more delicate about. Coffee and the experience of drinking coffee is highly subjective. Wait.. not just highly.. it's just subjective. That's it. You're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mine, no one can argue vice versa.. but.. and here's the little tiny minuscule but. There is still a difference in quality between what you might be drinking and what I might be drinking and we shouldn't kid ourselves into thinking there isn't. Oh what the hell.. I'll make a metaphor.. because.. well.. I like doing metaphors..

Both of these cars will get you where you need to go. In which one do you think you will enjoy the ride more?

 

Again.. like I said.. both of those cars will get you where you need to go. And some people might even in all honesty prefer the first one (Juhla-Mokka type coffee) even after having tried the second one, and no one has the right to argue with that. You know what you like.. simple as that. But we should at least be able to agree that there is a significant difference in quality between the two. Or maybe that is part of the problem? To be able to agree to that, one would at the same time be, sort of, confessing that "Yes, what I like is sub-par to what you like on a general quality-scale". Why is that a bad thing?

I can confess that my (not metaphorical cars now, but real ones) favourite car of all time that I would like to own someday is a Volkswagen Type 2, T1 "Camper".

Now I am well aware that this is not quality. It just isn't. But I still absolutely love this one and would like to own one that I can then restore to awesome (subjective) condition. So there you go.. the "Camper" isn't better, in terms of quality, than the Mercedes Benz SL500.. but given a choice between the those two cars.. from those two pictures.. I would take the "Camper". Not because it's objectively better but because it's subjectively "better".

So in closing. What I am basically saying, is that I'm sorry I called the coffee you drink "grandma's armpit sweat". I have never tried any grandma's armpit sweat so I don't actually know what that tastes like and should have used a more fitting euphemism. You like.. well.. whatever coffee you might like and I like Genuine Antigua, Dark Roast, 30 sec bloom +  210 sec extraction.. and that's totally okay.. for both of us.

The Freshness Conundrum? Huh? Oh right.. I have realised that I can tell a difference between a three day roast and a 10 day roast. Which means that soon I am going to have to start roasting myself, so that I can maintain freshly roasted coffee. The prospect of this is both exciting and "a bummer" for the same reason; Things have only begun to get complex in terms of coffee making.

My wife apparently knew this day would come.

Jamaican Blue Meh

Expanding my horizons and consequentially my world map of coffees I recently had the utmost pleasure as well as the "meh" experience of drinking two new coffee beans that was not in my original "Coffees of the World" -series. Links here, here and here.. for those that either don't know what the hell I'm talking about or those of you who just want to have their memory refreshed.

Since I started that journey I have not been able to look back, nor would I want too. I can't fathom drinking the piss-poor excuse we (Finnish people) usually have as coffee any more. I just can't. It's a bit odd though if you think about it since we (Finnish people again) annually according to studies drink the most coffee per capita. We're beating Norway for the first place with our 12,0 kg per year versus their 9,9 kg. By comparison USA only drinks 4,2 kg (27th place) annually and in the UK they drink a measly 2,8 kg per year and thus place themselves 47th on the list. So yeah.. we consume the most coffee in the world, yet most of them—excluding myself on this one—drink the equivalent of your grandma's armpit sweat. They drink the extract from that thing that you get stuck between your toes when you have worn your socks for too long. I just realised that there's probably fetish-sites for both those things, but I'm too scared of searching on Google to find out.

Seriously, all the metaphors aside.. they drink..quite simply.. inferior coffee. Why? But I shouldn't paint the devil on the wall too much now, there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon. By simply observing the increasing selection of coffees in the supermarket, it is noticeable that people are buying more "exotic" brands, not just the pre-ground *cough Juhla Mokka cough*. Obviously I say "exotic" because they are not that much more fancy but "Hey", you gotta start somewhere I suppose.

Holy shit I sound the like the biggest douche ever. Or something like that, maybe.. Point being, by all means, feel free to drink whatever you like the most and I won't judge you any more then you judge me. Fine if you really.. (really?) like pre-ground store bought coffee. Who am I to say you shouldn't, simply because I couldn't any more. But just don't fool yourself into thinking it's good coffee, it just isn't. But it's okay to like "less-than-good" coffee and it obviously doesn't make you into a worse person for that. As long as you don't try to make me drink it of course, in which case I'll berate you for 30 minutes.

Anyway, enough about that now. I was going to to tell you about my pleasure and "meh".

 Today, I had a cup of Jamaican Blue Mountain [LK]. For those of you that have no clue what that is—I pity you—let me fill you in quickly with this copy-paste quote from it's Wikipedia link;

"Over the last several decades, this coffee has developed a reputation that has made it one of the most expensive and sought-after coffees in the world".

So there you go. The verdict; With low acidity and an okay smoothness to it, it's by no means a bad coffee. A clear wooden sort of texture and taste to it. But also quite "meh", as in not particularly awesome either means I also didn't think this was a good coffee. Will have it again? Of course, I can't base everything on just one cup, even though I'm doing that now. Besides I still have 80 more grams of it, and I do plan to get the most out it. If I change my mind and raise or lower it's score, I will let you all know. But for now, the famous Jamaican Blue Mountain is just going to have to settle for a 3+.

The other one I have tried recently, that was originally a surprise for myself, is Genuine Antigua, Dark Roast [RV]. How does one surprise oneself? Simple. I just picked a random jar of beans and decided to go with that. Well, lucky me as it turned out that I had just discovered a new favourite, with plenty of aromas of chocolate and other stuff I can't quite put my finger on yet, this is a definitive 5. I am also thinking about making this my "Roast my own beans" -bean. Well, at least my first bean as I am sure I will have more at some point. But I have been looking for the bean will get to take my roasting virginity, and I think this one is it. I seriously loved everything about this bean.

So yeah. I think that's it for now. Next on my "to-drink" -list is Kopi Luwak, the famous poop-coffee. So stay tuned for that, whenever it may be.

Coffees of the World, part Three

And thuseth concludeth our journey.. eth. Or to be more accurate, I will decrease the amount of blogging about coffee. It's been a hell of a ride these past two months and I have learned so much. Far from being done in any way I just feel like I have been pestering all of you (five people at least) with my coffee explorations. Not only have I been excessively blogging about it.. but at any possible moment I have also discussed it with friends. One friend particularly helped me a lot on what I should write for this "final" entry. Ironically he will probably never actually read it.

Now, do try to keep in mind that there are many things I don't know yet.. I haven't even begun to explore the world of espresso-making, so some things here will be.. opinions! Yeah, that's right.. my very subjective opinions.. other things.. well.. I do try to be as objective as possible and in some cases I will be stating simple facts that are already established in the world of coffee connoisseurs and baristas. I'm simply retelling them.

But anyway.. here goes.. Coffees of the World, part Three.. subtitled..

"So you want to make better coffee too?"



All illustrations courtesy of your truly.

Believe it or not but which sort of coffee brewer you decide to use affects your coffee greatly. And despite what you might think.. some are better at brewing coffee than others. Now, let's establish one thing right away. If you like your coffee the way grandma used to make it, using and then reusing pre-ground store-bought "cheapest she could find" coffee brewed in a coffee pot.. then by all means, that is what you like. But don't fool yourself thinking that it's the best way to extract coffee because it isn't. Still.. if you like it like that, then by all means.

From left to right we have: Moka Pot, Vacuum Pot, Percolator, French Press, Electric Drip Brewer and Espresso Machine.

Moka Pot, a.k.a Macchinetta [1933]
Poor man's espresso. Technically not an espresso maker because the pressure at best is 1.5 bar when it would have to be exactly 9 bar to make it a true espresso. Can still make crema which I like and usually has a stronger brew with a more defined flavour than Drip Brew. Can't afford a real espresso machine and still want something espresso-y? This is for you.

Vacuum Pot [1840, earliest]
Looks more complicated than it is. I have thought about buying one. Well respected for it's clean cup and well-controlled brew. If you like a clean cup but still have the time to engage in your coffee making, this one is for you.

Percolator [late 18th century.. 1865 in USA]
Do you like your coffee bitter with plenty of acidity no matter what you do? Do you think that over-extracting by actually boiling your coffee is a good idea? Then you should continue to use your shitty percolator. Destroys a lot of flavour and oils. What can I say, I don't like them or the coffee they make. If you like percolated coffee then I pity you.. secretly.. but by all means, do continue.

French Press [late 19th century]
Well-controlled brew. Will give you some amount of sludge, no matter what you do.. that's just how they work. Recommendations? Buy a double walled French Press so the temperature doesn't drop too quickly when you brew. Water and coffee is fully mixed when brewing with this, giving you flavours and essential oils that a Drip Brewer never could. Do you want a cup of coffee where you can actually notice the hints of berry or something and you don't a bit of sludge? Then this is the machine for you.

Electric Drip Brewer [early 20th century]
Are you convenient (lazy) and like a clean cup? Then Drip is the way to go. The paper filter removes any kind of sludge but also flavours and oils. I actually brewed coffee in my French Press, then filtered it through a paper filter. It was.. disgusting to say the least. Some drip brewers brew coffee at too low temperatures (85°C instead of 93°C) making your cup into an under-extracted one. Too slow? Well then you just get a lot of bitterness. Personally, if you want a clean cup get yourself a Vacuum Pot instead, it's better. Having said that, Technivorm Moccamasters is the way to go if you insist on an Electric Drip Brewer. They are approved by the SCAA.

Espresso Machine
A bit more tricky to learn properly. Makes a true espresso. Can you afford the time and money to make good espresso? Want to impress your friends? Then this is probably the machine for you, but I'm warning you.. if you want it good, it's going to cost you.

Final note
Basically.. it's like this. If you must have a good clean cup of coffee, Vacuum Pot is what you want, circa 50€ at Clas Ohlson. Don't mind a bit of sludge in your good cup of coffee, French Press is your poison, circa 22€ at Clas Ohlson. If you think real espresso is the only kind of coffee there is then an Espresso Machine is what you should get, 200€ and more for the good stuff. Some machines will ruin whatever you put in them, some more than others.

---

Next we have water. Does it really matter? To put it simply.. it does, get used to it, ~98% of your coffee IS water. If you think your tap water tastes like ass.. your coffee will be brewed using ass. But if you're anything like me, proven in Nine Days Later and can't tell the difference between Spring water and tap water, then by all mean, keep using tap water. I still do.. at least for now. I have no doubts that better water will make better coffee, but if you can't tell the difference it's really difficult to argue for the use of Spring water.


Next.. pre-ground coffee or not? If you want better coffee, do yourself a huge favour and get yourself a grinder. Even if it's a shitty blade grinder for.. you know what? Never mind, don't get a shitty blade grinder, get a burr grinder because it's better. In every possible way. Why should you grind your own coffee no matter what? Assuming optimal storing, which is air, light and moist free in a cool environment, but not the fridge. Ground coffee is significantly stale and shitty after 3 days.. if your taste buds are awesome, you could notice it after as little as 20 minutes. Roasted whole beans can last for 10-14 days. Green (unroasted) beans can be stored a year easily, although they prefer that air can move around, like in a burlap sack. Pre-ground is never and will never be as good as grinding it right before you need it. If you only want to change one thing about your coffee.. then never buy pre-ground again. Is the effort more? Yes, but it's worth it.


You get what you pay for. Never has it been so true as when it comes to coffee. Not to throw dirt at anyone here in particular, but when one cup of coffee will cost you ~8 cents to make and the other will cost you ~1.40€ to make. Which one do you think is better? Don't delude yourself and think that with the right amount of skills and proper equipment you can make Juhla Mokka into "OMG! This is teh best coffee I have ever had!!?11". You can't, and neither can anyone else. Having said that, of course you can make a decent cup of coffee with it but a better coffee will still be a better coffee.. made using the exact same ratios/temperatures and everything else. Ironically enough, you can destroy Jamaican Blue Mountain (one of the most expensive and sought-after coffees in the world), if you don't know what you are doing. My advice? Do yourself a favour and buy better coffee, it doesn't have to be the most expensive coffee in the world.. just remember that you do get what you pay for.


Cold brewed coffee and why you need to consider it. Think of it this way, coffee is extracted from the ground into the water, which you then drink. Pretty simple eh? The temperature of the water simply tells you how long you extract your coffee to get all the good stuff and none of the bad stuff. What's why an espresso is extracted in 25-30 seconds.. oh yeah right.. pressure also affects extraction time. Anyway.

You can actually try this one at home, without any extra equipment other than what you probably already own. Still with me? Good.. here's what you do. Take a glass jar or something similar that can hold at least 500 ml of fluid. Take any random shit coffee you have at home. Measure and pour 10 tablespoons of coffee (15 ml) or in case you have a more modern coffee spoon that holds 20 ml in which case 8 coffee spoons of coffee will do fine. Now pour in 250 ml of cold water and stir with a wooden spoon or something similar. Stir a little again after 2 minutes. Put some plastic wrap over the whole thing and leave it in room temperature for 12 hours. After the 12 hours have passed, pour it through your shitty drip brewers paper filter until you're only left with a black delicious liquid you will come to love forever. This is coffee concentrate (CC) with a ratio of 1:4.5 which I doubt you would be able to drink as is. But you can mix this with cold water and ice. As of lately the temperature around here has been wandering between 25-35°C.. drinking hot coffee is not very appealing.. but OMG Iced coffee is awesome! Of course you totally can mix it with hot water too if you for some reason feel like torturing yourself in this heat. Any questions? If not.. then what are you waiting for, start cold brewing right now.. you can thank me later.

I mixed 1 part CC with 2 parts cold water, added 1 part ice cubes, ½ part milk and a dab of DaVinci Gourmet Caramel Flavoured Syrup for my morning pick me up.

How to calculate your own ratios using inverse factors

I think this is beginning to be it. This last part of my "Coffees of the World" got even longer than I at first anticipated. But hopefully you feel a little smarter. I at least feel a lot more tired. But since I had promised math as well, here's the math stuff you need to know to be able to do your own calculations. I do all my measuring using mass instead of volume nowadays but I have made a handy conversion chart for you as well, even including a variety of standards for cup sizes in different parts of the world.. which means that even you funny people who use a less precise method of measurement can get started in making your own morning cup of glory taste a little better.

Why have I made this you might be asking yourself.. well mostly because I actually get a lot of enjoyment from making charts and math-y stuff.. but also because when I first started exploring the world of coffee I found it very difficult to find good information to get me started. Good basic information like "Do this, use this much.." etc.. Yeah, sure it's been fun exploring things on my own. I'm sure you might want that too, but since I would have liked a point of reference I figured you might too. Obviously with that in mind.. you are free to ignore all my advices and such, to find your own way.. But maybe.. just maybe.. it won't feel so daunting to get started now. And again.. if you have any questions related to coffee don't hesitate to ask and I will in return do my best to answer.

And kids.. remember.. it's totally okay to like coffee made using a Percolator.. just don't try to give that shit to me..

A small preview of the handy conversion chart

Coffees of the World, part Two

And so.. the much awaited "Coffees of the World" -series continues. Or maybe I'm deluding myself.. maybe it's not awaited at all. Either way I'm still going to write it. The beans pictured above are by the way from dear old Gigantti.. Unfortunately this would be the first time (for me) that Gigantti has disappointed me. Those beans are from "KAFFE NOIR, Italian Roast" that I mentioned earlier. ICS (shame on them!) never answered my email so I have no idea what kind of blend it is. But I did try it for a week or so, brewed in the same way I brew everything else. It was not good.. not good at all. And as you might be able to see in the picture, I personally think it's over-roasted and has too much charcoal taste. Maybe it would work better as an espresso, but alas I can only brew it with my French press.. at least for now. So, yeah. It was really not good. However as I discovered later on, it did actually work as Iced coffee. Which I will go more into later in this post.. and in part Three..

- "He likes to pretend that people care, but they don't. The riddles he gives are too easy for us, so we never bother with them. Obviously the answer is the number 9. Like we didn't know that. Sssssh, he's coming back now.."

Yeah, because the math part that was going to be in this post grew exponentially I decided to give it its own post instead. Hence no math-y stuff in this one. You'll understand why later.

So.. back to coffees then I suppose. Just like last time, I will include the brackety-thingys for the adventurous ones of you
[RV] = Ryytivakka, Saluhallen
[LK] = Liisa Koski


My first taste of India was a very, very interesting one. Monsoon Malabar [RV] is heavy bodied. It has very little acidity and a lot of origin specific taste. But the thing that struck me the most was how salty it was. Yeah, you heard me.. salty. Malabar has a very strong salt-water smell and taste. I closed my eyes and imagined that I was out on the ocean. So for those of you that might like that sort of stuff, you definitely need to try this one. In the end, I felt like "No, I don't particularly like my coffee salty". But it still gets 3+ because it got everything else right in terms what I look for in my coffee. I think this would make an excellent "kesämökkikahvi" (summer cottage coffee) where things smell of the sea anyway.




The first time I went to Liisa Koski was quite an experience. The shop owner (Mr. Kulju himself) was very keen to share his acquired knowledge of coffee and I has happy to oblige because it was very interesting and unlike the other place it was noticable that he had a real passion for coffee which I can relate to/liked a lot. Which brings us all the way from India to México, where I got blah blah [LK]. Named so because I haven't gotten a more specific name for it yet. Single origin though just like most of the other ones. This was a peculiar one, because although I was nice generally. It had an odd origin taste/smell that I could never quite identify and that I didn't like all that much. The closest I can think of is wet bark/dirt or something like that. I will go back there and ask him what it is.


Just south from México we go to Colombia where we find Bucaramanga [RV] a deep coffee with awesome body and very nice after-taste. With hints of chocolate and a hazelnut/almond undertones this one quickly climbed to my personal favourites list and has stuck there ever since. Bucaramanga gets a 4 because now as I write this and remember that I haven't had it for a couple of weeks my inner voices are telling me to go buy some more. This is one of my favourite afternoon coffees.





And so we've reached the finalists. My (so far) two personal favourites when it comes to coffees. As you might remember from part One, Indonesia had already brought me a 2+ coffee in its Sulawesi but this Sumatran Mandheling [RV] was a very different story. Having a heavy body with low acidity, because let's face it.. that's what I want from my coffee, Mandheling has a a nice brightness to it, with hints of fruitiness.. subtle tones of something like mango. This one is a definite keeper and one that I will try to roast myself. I warmly recommend this coffee for those of you that want their coffee fruity rather than berry-like.




In Kenya, Africa we find the other favourite of my coffees. This Kenyan pearl bean [LK].. (again.. he's good with coffee, bad with proper names) has a heavy body with low acidity. But where the Mandheling had a perky wakey-uppy brightness to it, this one a more somber and laid back feeling to it. If this coffee was a jazz song, it would be the bass riff. Very deep with hints of black- and redcurrant and with a wonderful red wine feeling to it this is the other keeper that I will try to roast myself. If you enjoy a glass of red wine every now and then, this might just be the coffee for you. If nothing else, this is one of the coffees for me.

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I want to give a special mention to KAFFE NOIR, Italian Roast though. Like I said earlier, I didn't like it. And neither did those of my friends that tried it, by the way. But I figured since I still have the coffee I could just as well experiment with in my cold-brewed coffee trials. That or throw it away and I'm just too cheap to do that. Imagine my surprise when it actually worked better as Iced coffee than e.g. Indonesian Sulawesi or Méxican Blah Blah. I'm assuming that is has to do with cold-brewing not actually extracting everything from the coffee. Some of the oils allegedly are only extracted at certain temperatures, which cold-brewing never reaches. I'm imagining that e.g. Mandheling would lose the very things I like about it and since I didn't like anything about KAFFE NOIR.. cold-brew ftw! But that is about as far as I will explain my on-going Manhattan Trials. I will get back to it in part Three more.. you know.. the math-y part with charts and shit.. oh it's going to be ever so awesome! Well.. if you like charts it will.. otherwise.. well.. you probably won't like it that much.

This is it for part of two. Stay tuned for part Three, the part which I suspect might be the last one so focused on coffee. I feel like I have forced all of you (all four of you) to read coffee-related things a lot. So I think we both need a bit of a break. At least I do. Besides.. there are plenty of other things to write about and if anyone actually has any questions (sometime I think this dialogue of mine is a bit one-sided) feel free to ask.

- "Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa FREUDMAN! He's watching you watching yourself but who is he?.. only time will tell.."

Coffees of the World, part One

So here we go I suppose.. a lot of pressure to perform.. well adequately at least. Not that the pressure is being adequate, but that the performance probably will be. Don't you just hate when you feel like you have to explain a joke?

Anyway. The most difficult part is going to be to remember the different nuances between all the coffees I have consumed so far. Some coffees by their virtue of awesomeness have obviously stuck with me a bit more, but like this first one my list, some just haven't stuck with. I will be biased and I want you to know this before you start using my judgement as some sort of frame of reference.

As you might have noticed this will a two part story. Mostly because I can not imagine anyone sitting down, noticing "Hey, Carlos has finally written about coffee!", and then actually reading the whole damn thing. So I'll spare you the back pain and in return you will.. well.. I suppose we will have to come to some sort arrangement won't we?

I will also have some brackety looking thingys next to the different names of beans. This is simply an abbreviation of where I purchased them in case anyone feels like exploring the great(meh) city of Vaasa and buying some coffee for themselves.
[RV] = Ryytivakka, Saluhallen
[LK] = Liisa Koski


The Peruvian Yanesha [RV] was albeit not bad per se just too "meh" and had too much acidity for my taste. Sure there's probably someone out there who thinks that this is the best coffee in the world. For them. My point is, some coffees I liked, some I thought were shit. They weren't actually shit (I don't actually know what shit tastes like) but in my world of "Do I like this or not?" there are only two options. Beans I want to have more of.. and beans that I don't. Yanesha is unfortunately not a bean I will be keeping in my cupboard.




Barahona [RV] from Dominican Republic was actually one of the first coffees I tested. I kind of liked it at first (oh what a fool I was) but as my taste buds got used to tasting coffee this one felt, although heavy bodied with a very rich taste, it was too earthy for me. I also came to be not very fond of it's after-taste which had a little bitterness to it. This one will probably not be making a return. No rose for Barahona.






Switching continents completely I now happened upon an Indonesian that although I decided to only give it a 2+ I might want to revisit this one later one. I feel it might have Manhattan Blow Job potential. I give you the Indonesian Sulawesi [RV]. More light and quite fresh although with an slight acidity that never really agreed with me. This by the way also happens to be one of the beans Starbucks sells as a part of their selection. One friend who visited liked when I randomly did a 50/50 blend of Sulawesi and Bucaramanga (more on that one later).




Aaah, my wonderful wife. She went to Denmark a couple of weeks ago and of course I told that her that if she happens to "stumble" upon some nice coffee beans, she should bring me some. I present you with the Brazilian Daterra Sweet Collection [!]. It took me until last week before I could try this one (didn't have a grinder). I quite liked this one, definitely more of afternoon coffee than a morning one. I like it sweeter and fruitier in the morning.. and with a bit more bite in the afternoon. So why only a 3? Well, mostly because in the end it tasted too little. Bitterness was appropriate as well as acidity, but it lacked taste. Not to say it was tasteless, it had hints of dark chocolate with a dry nuttiness on the side. Some Mango or similar taste the end the experience would have made this a keeper. Right now though, I don't know. Maybe I'll import some more and see later on.

Speaking of Brazil though I just remembered. I also had something called Conquista Blend [RV] from Brazil. But I didn't like that at all. So I'm just going to lump it in with this one and call it a day. Okay?

Like I said. Two part story, you're just going to have to stay tuned (or not) for part Two.. the interesting part, the part where I start talking about the coffees I really liked and why I did. Part Two will also feature math (gaah, run for your lives!!1) since I figured that might be a good time to bring up what kind of water to coffee ratios I've been using. Basically I will be indulging myself like the true narcissist I am.. and probably not be paying that much attention to whether you listen or not.

At some point I also have plans of trying to find a good cup of coffee in Vaasa. I might have to lower my standard to a "decent" cup as I fear the coup de grâce for my intestines will be the moment when I reach Shell gas-station, who in my opinion should be notorious for their awful coffee. Hmm, maybe they are and I just haven't heard it. Anyway. Next time.. some random filler because I don't feel like writing part Two.. and then after that, totally.. part Two.

By the way, awesome illustrations, right? Yeah, I totally made them especially for you.

Coffees of the World [pv]

[pv] stands for Preview. I've just decided this. Go with it.

Anyway. I'm still very much experimenting and exploring the wonderful world of coffee. This I am going to write about in so intricate detail that you will probably even get slightly annoyed at me, but then you will remember how much you all love me and you will calm down. From then on out.. maybe you will even keep calm. And who knows someday.. just someday.. you will be able to carry on. (I'm truly sorry to all non-native English speaking people, who might not get that.. and in case you did. Well good for you!)

Anyway.. again. I will write all about it, but for now you are going to have to be okay with just a picture. Simply because I'm too knackered to do it now. Enjoy this preview, and don't fret. It will all make sense in due time, unless it already makes sense. In which case this whole part feels pretty redundant but since I have already made the effort to write it, I refuse to delete it. Or edit it. Or even pretend that it isn't there. Instead, what do I do? I make a big deal about it, so big that it borderline overshadows the entire point of this post.

So in summary. Tired now, coffee talking later. Goodnight!

Detox, Part Deux

Since Nine Days Later was technically Part One. Technically. Damn it, here I thought the worst was over.. but oh no, turns out that detoxing from a substantial amount of caffeine and refined sugar is not as peachy as I thought after a week. I used to drink 3-4 cups of Robusta a day.. now I'm down to 1-2 cups.. one Arabica and one Robusta (we only have Robusta at work). I also used to consume about 50 grams of refined sugar in total with all of my ditch water coffee. Now I don't used sugar at all, no matter how foul tasting the coffee is. With milk at work, and black at home. Are all of these tiny little details important to any of you? Probably not, but for sake of making a detailed report of my changing of habits I feel I shouldn't neglect details. And to answer your question, yes, you have to suffer for that. But imagine that I said that with a sparkle in my eye..

So yeah, at around the 15th of May I figured that although things had been a bit rough, it was just uphill from here.. peachy..

In my mind, it was like this.. but awesome-er.

But as time went by I kind of noticed that no.. the 15th was more of a fluke than a preview of what was to come. So since then I've mostly still felt sluggish, tired and generally uninspired to well.. do anything of any kind of importance in life. My wonderful wife has been understanding and supportive, which is really awesome of her. Like today, just as I had shared about how tired I felt, she asked me with a smile (of evil) on her face "How it feels to walk amongst all the other mortals?" It feels like crap is what I told her and began to rant about how this is what it must feel like for Superman. If Superman had a piece of Kryptonite in an eternal state of being shoved up his derrière.

That would be the up the buttocks by the way, for those of you that don't speak French.

So yeah. Turns out my initial expectation of how "easy" this would be was oh so terrible wrong. So instead of feeling "oh sho peachy".. I felt more of a "oh so fuckin' peachy!"

In reality, it was like this. Only worse.

I'm still hoping that I'll start feeling better at some point. But as of right now I'm not really having all too high hopes, let's call it playing safe. For now at least.

If I can just figure out a good way to bring good coffee with me in the morning. I still haven't perfected the Manhattan Blow Job but it's a hell of a lot better than my other options. My biggest concern at the moment is the act of transporting the embeejay (I named it, I'm in charge of pronunciation as well). To put things simply.. I need to have it in a better cup than my current one, something where the "lid" doesn't fall of at any given turn. Arnolds sells Smoothies and Fruities and their cups would probably be quite excellent for my purpose. Actually come to think of it, maybe I should ask them if I could have a couple of them. I doubt they would mind the free advertisement despite the fact that I wouldn't be using them for their intended purpose.

So detoxing.. it's still a bitch. But maybe it will start to turn around at some point. But days like this (yesterday was worse) I feel like every caffeinated beverage is calling out for me to consume them, to quench my mighty Superman-ly thirst with their deliciously carbonated diabetes inducing goodness. But I won't. I'm stronger than that.

Well that, or just too poor to be able to afford them.

Yeah, it's probably the second one more.

They're in my dreams.. taunting me..

Nine Days Later

PUBLIC WARNING: Long text broken up with a few pictures, but totally well worth the read. I'm not kidding, go make yourself a cup of coffee, you're going to be here for a while.

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It's now been nine days (at least I think so) since I purchased a Bodum Bistro Nouveau coffee maker.. can I actually call it a coffee maker since I do most of the work myself? For the sake of argument I am going to call it a coffee maker, if it's good enough for the manufacturer to call it that.. then it's good enough for me.

So how's it been? Well, let's put it this way. I won't be able to drink ape urine excuses for coffee any more. That's how it's been going. Nah, but really, it's nothing if not an eye opening experience so far. I could have never imagined coffee being able to actually taste this good, with subtleties from all sorts of things. I now have an entirely new vocabulary including words like acidity, bitterness, nutty scent with a hint of chocolate. Obviously it has it's downsides too, since now whenever I meet a shitty cup of coffee, I simply can't drink it any more. Bare in mind now that, as anyone who knows me knows, I used to drink my coffee with milk and sugar. Lots of fuckin' sugar. At least when comparing myself to friends and acquaintances.

Now, I drink my coffee black.. like a real man!

But not be manlier actually, but because it tasted ruined with milk and/or sugar. Of course I had to try several different variations. But in the end, black won. And hurray for it too, although I have had to suffer the consequences of a decreased sugar intake, which has been a total bitch, thankfully though, the worst of that has passed. Now I am beginning to feel actually a lot better than I did before.

A word of warning though to anyone who "suddenly" decides to cut down of refined sugar. Before this and ridding my addiction of Coca-Cola I was averaging a daily sugar intake of 120 grams and sometimes upwards. The recommended daily intake is between 36-40 grams (depending on your source). So easily three times the daily recommended amount of refined sugar per day.

Yeah, I did the calculations minutes ago. Scary stuff isn't it? I specified "refined" sugar because that's the amount I could easily calculate, I obviously get natural sugar as well and hidden refined sugar in me, but those probably fulfil my daily needs nicely. So the probability is quite high that I have had a intake of 4x daily recommended. That's probably not very healthy or what do you think?

So the warning; If you're going to cut down your sugar be prepared for a shock as your brain pretty much just shuts down and refuses to work in any way before it's gotten it's "hit". It'll pass after a week or so, at least it did for me, but until then it's a bitch. I have semi-honestly never felt so out of energy and "sick".

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Anyway... back to the coffee talking. Come visit me, I'll make the awesome-est cup you have ever had, hopefully. I'm still in the learning stage, I for instance need to get a burr grinder too.. gotta grind my own beans now, otherwise the stale bitterness from not so fresh coffee is too noticeable, damn it. So Zassenhaus Brasilia 151 here I come! Unless someone has a better suggestion for a manual burr grinder? Haven't quite decided which blend I like more yet.. I would want to find Sumatra but alas I have no idea where to look for that in Vaasa and Saluhallen hadn't heard of that blend.

I'm testing different brewing techniques, different brewing times, trying it with and without "break & clean". I suspect my beans are a bit too finely ground by the way, no fault of Saluhallen though as they ground them according to my wishes. Awesome service, kudos to them! I have tested with different kinds of water as well, speaking of which... how does one do a double-blind study with only one test-subject? Because I tried to (and succeeded) in doing a "sort of" double-blind study to see if I could tell the difference between Spring water, tap water and filtered tap water. The double-blind part being that neither my wife (the reasearcher) or me (the test-subject) knew which water contained which. For the sake of consistency all liquids were cooled to the same temperate so as to not influence the test-results. So, what about the results? What did they show me?

I failed miserably. I wasn't able to tell the difference in any sort of way. The biggest goal of this test was to see if I was able to discern the difference between tap water or Spring water, because according to some coffee enthusiasts, there's a difference. Clearly according to my small study I could just as well be drinking urine.. or.. well maybe not urine, but at least it shows that I can in good conscience use tap water for my coffee making needs. If I can collect more participants I will try to arrange another double-blind study later on.

Edit; The Spring water was of a Finnish label called Polar Spring. Should I have used a different brand? Maybe that isn't a good one? Vaasa's tap water has a pH value of 6.5 on average, I checked. The filtered water, was just tap water filtered through the coffee filters I have for my drip machine, Rainbow unbleached to be specific.

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I've had people over, so they could try out my coffee as well. One friend said it was incomparable to any kind of coffee he had had recently. In a good way though, saying it had a very Starbucks quality to it, which I'm assuming is a good thing.
Two friends (who hasn't tried press coffee yet though) tried just drinking drip coffee with a better blend (Arvid Nordquist: Classic French Roast Extra Dark) and they commented that it's difficult to go back to crap coffee after it..
One friend said it was better but couldn't really tell much more. She's not a very accustomed coffee drinker though so that's okay.
Still waiting for Beije (and possibly his mom..?) to come for a visit though. His (their) opinions regarding coffee is something I value, since they're huge coffee drinkers.

All in all, it's been and still is an eye-opening experience. Some three weeks ago I had never reflected on coffee being anything else than bitter shitwater with milk and sugar that I drank to fulfil my daily requirement of caffeine. Then a couple of weeks ago I had started thinking about how our tap water tasted differently (bad differently) and how my coffee tasted worse than it used too.

Coincidently, around this time my brother was out to buy an electric kettle for his apartment, randomly I asked why he didn't buy a combo machine, a.k.a. drip machine and electric kettle.. kind of like the Princess Diarrhoea Machine I have. Then the salesman (thank you Gigantti) swept my brother to a 150€ espresso what-not machine and started talking about coffee and such for probably 30 minutes. In the end, my brother bought the machine and I started thinking about buying one too. That and many evenings after I searched on Google. A lot. Deciding that if my brother can have better coffee then so can I. And the rest is well.. not so much history as it's.. well.. the present.

Now, I sit and enjoy my black coffee wondering if I can find a blend that has more nuttyness but less acidity. Maybe an ever so slightly stronger hint of chocolate with a little berry. I'm also so totally making another mornin' cup to take with me to work tomorrow. I will mix "Conquista Blend-Sulawesi-Barahona" together, let it steep over night (cold brew style), add a little milk and vanilla ice cream in the morning before I go to work. I had it last Friday, and it was the most beautiful way of waking up.. ever. Since I don't know if there's a name for what I had, I'm so totally naming it right now.. "Nothing gets one going in the morning, like a Manhattan Blow Job.. in your mouth".

Tell all your friends.