Friday, 25 February 2011

You'll Lose Your Head, Literally

Happy Friday to you all!

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

By Means of the Reflective Surface

Or you know, "Through the Looking-Glass" which makes more sense.

American McGee and the talented people of Spicy Horse, please don't dilute your vision to please EA. Pretty please with knifes of top? With the legacy "American McGee's Alice" left behind this could be an totally awesome game as well as a commercial success. I sincerely hope you aim for a M rating and stick to it despite what some might say, but then again maybe it's just me. Here's two more teaser/trailers for Alice: Madness Returns. You might have already seen them, if you haven't, you owe it to yourself to watch. Enjoy!

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Zombies And You Are Stupid

So zombies, yeah, they're pretty stupid. Or well, I suppose zombies per se aren't stupid, although they actually are. But more accurately the public view of zombies is stupid. I mean really? When your "enemy" is a decaying moron with the cognitive logistics of a piece of wood and the movement reflexes of your average senior citizen, what's there to be scared about? Really? And no, I'm not talking/thinking about our new überZombies that run like motherfuckers high of methamphetamine, a.k.a. the "28 Days Later" -syndrome. No I am thinking about the Classic Zombie, the George A. Romero zombie.

Classic Zombie, almost sounds like a brand though. "Tired and bored of Zombie? Well, we listened to you and brought back Classic Zombie! The Freshness is only a bite away!"

Anyway. As I was saying, the public view of zombies is stupid. I could walk briskly away from a zombie, that's how (not) dangerous they are. Yeah sure, if they gather enough in a group and somehow surround me before I notice anything. But how likely is that going to happen if I know they're out there. That's just as idiotic as walking outside to poke a bear that's outside waiting for you. So yeah, one could argue that what if I encounter a zombie in the very beginning of the outbreak, when I couldn't possibly know they're out there. Well, you know how when you encounter a drunken hobo on the street you instinctively evade them. Now imagine that they're also covered in blood. Which then again, some drunken hobos are anyway, so that comparison is pretty spot on. So whether I know there's a zombie outbreak or not, it's not like I'm going to hug the slobbering bastard.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against George A. Romero by the way, I don't even know him. I'm just saying the notion of zombies is stupid. It's like zombies checked all the wrong boxes when they were doing their character sheet. Slow? Check! Make noises to attract unwanted attention before I attack? Check? Smell worst than yesteryear's garbage just in case my prey doesn't hear my mumbling? Double-check!

Hmmm, what else could I add to my disappointing character sheet list, the Zombie thought to himself. Impaired motor skills thus disabling me from using any type of weapon other than my hands and mouth? Yeah, that sounds awesomely useless, check!

So in the end, because I promised myself I would keep this one short(er). Zombies are stupid. Resident Evil zombies are even stupider. And if you still feel like reading about zombies and stuff, you should check out Max Brook's "The Zombie Survival Guide". It's apparently available from, I say apparently because I had to search for it myself first. But yeah, it's totally there, and having read it before, I can highly recommend it. If you like zombie stuff that is, otherwise you're probably better off reading something else.

Mock-up of what it could look like, but it doesn't.

Sunday, 20 February 2011

Sunday Morning Coffee Ramblings

So yeah, I should get back on this horse called blogging. And according to recent surveys you people.. (apparently not exclusive to three anymore) like blogs about Tees and progress on my board game. And by recent surveys I mean # of likes a post gets. So who am I to deprive you of your guilty pleasures?
Well, in this context I'm the anus-opening (<-- don't click) that will continue to blog about whatever I feel like at the time. And sometimes those things will be about things that you, my dear audience, like. I'm not entirely sure if this is going to be one of them. Let's see how things pan out.

Speaking of things, or rather not speaking of them, it was quite a shock to come back to Finland after a week in London. From 10-15 degrees to -18 is not what I would call a pleasant experience, I kind of felt like the winter rapist I blogged about earlier. Minus the raping part though.. obviously. In London I went to Forbidden Planet, and found a new mascot for my rubberducking needs. Say hello to Sacky. Whenever I have a problem that needs to be verbalized to assist in the solving of it, Sacky will be there for me. Staring at me with his bitching face of disgust, but nonetheless listening to me explain about a PHP problem I have.

Yeah, some people might think I'm a bit of a traitor for buying a mascot based on a game exclusive to Sony Playstation 3 since I'm primarily an Microsoft Xbox 360 man. I think those people are stupid for thinking one has to stay faithful to one console, or just one platform. To put it simply, could I afford a Playstation 3 as well, I would. But I can't, so I won't. That doesn't mean I have anything against Playstation, or Wii for that matter. The Xbox 360 just happens to have a lot of games I like/own/want. Speaking of game I want, last Wednesday I ordered Dragon Age: Ultimate Edition, it should arrive on Monday according to my calculations. I would've bought Bioshock 2 but I promised myself I wouldn't buy it until I've played through Bioshock, which I still haven't because it creeps me out too much. True story. Anyway, enough about that, here's Sacky.

So from one game to another, here's my review of the recently released game Age of Empires II: The Age of Kings.

For a new game, I was a bit shocked by the graphics, they were, how do I say this? Do you remember when Crysis first came out and everyone was blown away by how realistic the graphics were. Well I was impressed but not in the way other people were, but Age of Empires, I mean WOW! The details on the characters are astonishing both in fidelity and with the numerous customization options I decided to have all my militia wear tops in Deep Blue and skirts in Ecru. Yeah, I decided all my men are colorblind idiots with no fashion sense.

The path finding for the A.I is out of this world, it's almost like every soldier has his own back story and life values, making decisions based on these events and according to actions taken by other soldiers. Most of the time those soldiers make those moronic decisions with the result in death. You know, like in reality. The buildings look amazing and with real-time rendering of every wooden fiber, the way buildings take damage is so intricate. Imagine this, if a militia gets a sufficient blow in on a house, splintering the wood, they can then enter the building through the newly created hole in the wall. Then they just go to sleep on the floor after binging on all the available alcohol. When they wake up again, they usually wander around my enemy's town flashing themselves to fair maidens and goats. Once the fair maidens have run away they mostly just molest the goats. Yeah, I should really do something about that.

So did I like Age of Empires II: The Age of Kings? Yes, very much, I've played it too many times to count. Knowing all the different strategies that work for different civilizations... that is.. 12 years ago when it was actually new. Now? It's aged, not bad, but not very good either. I played the trial version before I started writing this. I was an unstoppable killing machine, destroying every enemy in sight on my path to victory. On easy, but still. They probably would've kicked my ass on anything else just like in C&C.

12 years ago, Age of Empires II: The Age of Kings would've gotten a 4/5. Now, it's forever disgraced and shamed into a corner with the likes of Quake III. Games that used to be good, but that since then has been surpassed by their spiritual successors and general improvement in technology, knowledge & stuff. Don't get me wrong, they used to be very good and popular, some still are good and popular. But a lot of them are viewed through rose-tinted shades of nostalgia. A lot of them, used to be. They aren't anymore, get over it. There's better games out there and you are missing out on some of them.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

An Other Kind of Lullaby

Offensive, hilarious.. and sometimes so true.. and so wrong. I give you a new song from Tim Minchin.

Ooh Goosebumps!

Say hello to Dead Island, an upcoming survivor horror first-person shooter with RPG elements from Techland, the makers of Chrome and Call of Juarez. This is the first game with zombies in it that I am really excited about. the Left 4 Dead series never really grabbed me, mainly because of the lacking single player experience. Anyways.. Check out the trailer below.

Watch.. get goosebumps.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

The Luckiest F.O.B in the World(s)

Surprise bitches!

By the way, F.O.B is my own invention, feel free to steal it.. Father Of a Bastard.. but in a none insulting way, more like a "lovingly Old English my son is a bastard child.. because we weren't married". But we and therefore I am married now, so hurray to me. I couldn't be happier unless it was also Valentine's Day on Monday... oh it is? Then awesome!

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Change of plans

Damn it, change of plans. There will be no surprise on Sunday, it'll have to wait until next week. Yeah, I know, it's a shame. But there's other people who's opinion matter more in this case. So as a sort of, bandage on your (as I'm sure) deep seated sorrow and anguish. I present you with;

The Perils of a Winter Rapist

If you look really closely, that's totally a small frozen penis.

Hold Your Ungulate Mammals

Now, I would like you take a deep breath. Close your eyes for a couple of seconds after you have read the following sentence. Like I said, close your eyes and imagine that the next sentence is said in a high pitched witch-ey voice, sort of like Judge Doom's death scene in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Don't worry I'll wait.

- I have a surprise for you!

Yeah, that's it. Probably a bit of an overkill build-up for that but I regret nothing. Now I do have a surprise, and to me it's a big one. Just to ease your mind beije, no I still haven't gotten my board game sold to publisher, at least not yet. But this surprise I still at least in my mind, quite a big one. All will be revealed on Sunday. Until then you're just going to have to hold your horses or any other ungulate mammal of your choice.

But I figured so this post wouldn't be completely useless, since I'm not going to post anything until Sunday. Here's my treat for this time, a quick photo of some of the sketches in fleshing out the main character/mascot for Island of Eternity. And for once, you can actually click it for larger version that has more things to look at, since this one is cropped. Yeah, I'm awesome like that, feel free to kiss my feet. Although, actually nevermind, you don't have to do that, the quality of the picture is utter shaite. Bad lighting and what not.

But until Sunday, why don't you enjoy some awesome-ness that is Zach Weiner. And of course, my sketch.