Saturday, 30 April 2011

Dear Xbox (a Love? Letter)

Dear Xbox (360 and Live)

I'm sorry I haven't been around in a while. I can imagine you probably feel a bit neglected but I sincerely hope you still read this letter and not just throw in a metaphorical fire-place or some more appropriate metaphor considering you're not really real, you're a service. Oh, I'm sorry again. That came out wrong. I meant the service thing in a good way, not like in a prostitute way. Even though I kind of have to pay to have fun with you.

Your fake smile and vacant expression actually warms my heart. Just a little bit.

At least I can pay on a trimonthly basis and you do let me have fun with you whenever I feel like it. And then when I'm done I can just sort of abandon you. Actually come to think of it, you are very much like a prostitute... but a really good one, that I totally really like.

Even though I haven't played with you in quite a while. Yeah sure, I sometimes get drunk with my friends and then we play with you for hours in one night, but then the next morning I forget about you... again. So what I'm trying to say dear Xbox (360 and Live) is that I'm sorry. I've thought about the words to say to you a lot, and all I could think of was "I'm sorry". And it's not even especially sincere. It's not like I'm going to change for you. You have your fun sides and all but you're just too high maintenance and I really don't care that much about you any more. Oh, that came out wrong again.

What I meant to say is that.. umm.. well.. You've let yourself go damn it, you used to be all shiny and new and with such promise. And then you just let it all go. Well to be fair, you did hold your part on some of your promises, but not the ones that mattered. At least not to me. Yeah sure, you were the one who suggested toys to spice things up. But really, what were you thinking? I've seen what other people do with the same toys, and to be honest with you Xbox. It looks like they're having wa'aaaay more fun with it. Other people are doing things with their toys that I imagine you never would, you would just give me that look of disgust and make a smug comment about how "you would never do that, no matter how much I begged". Even though I still pay for you on a trimonthly basis.

I could say that it's not your fault. But I would be lying. It's totally your fault, you have no one else to blame but yourself. And no, you don't look good in your new hair colour. You just don't. There, I've said it.

I never really liked your "awards" for doing weird things to you anyway.

No Xbox, don't cry.. You'll find someone else, someone that appreciates you in the way you should be appreciated. Someone who's maybe too young and stupid to realise that you're mostly a bit of a cock tease. Someone who thinks it's totally okay to take more than you give in a relationship. Someone who doesn't mind that there's a little poo-poo in your private lady garden. I used to be that someone, but I'm sad to say Xbox, that I'm not any more.

Sure, let's be honest. There will be lonely nights when I might still play with you. When I have nothing else to do and then you'll be there, beckoning me with sweet memories of a times that used to be. And I'll cave in and play with you for a couple of hours. But we both know I'll feel really dirty afterwards and probably take a shower or two to get your stench of me. And then we won't speak of it ever again, until it happens again. I'm cool with that, if you are?

Sshhh, don't talk. You'll ruin it. Just go with it even if it feels weird.

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Would You Kindly?

I'm still eagerly awaiting Portal 2. Hmm, maybe I hadn't mentioned that earlier, I can't remember. Anyway, the point, as some of you nerdier (good nerd though, not the bad kind) people out there might already be aware of, Portal 2 has already been released. I have not played it yet though so I'm trying my best not to spoil it. Which has already turned out to be more difficult than one might think, seeing as I frequently visit and read a number of of technology and game oriented sites. And some of those feel like they can start writing about the story and stuff, curse them! And curse you too, if you're a douche. But I hope you're not.

So would you kindly not spoil Portal 2 for me? Pretty please with a poop-covered penis on top.

Monday, 25 April 2011

Obligatory Happy Easter!

Make trends.. or follow. Or like in this case, just another obligatory Happy Easter. But with a usual Carlosian (yeah, it's gonna become a thing) twist. Well, a twist might be a bit of an overstatement, less of an M.Night Shamailaiööön type twist (Shyamalan according to Google).. and more like "I'm calling you a bitch whilst.." -twist. So without further ado I present with this years Easter greetings, twist and all!

Yeah, the second picture isn't even Easter related, it's just a random picture taken of our living room whilst lying in bed. At least the first picture contains objects relevant to Easter, not so much the Jesus-y kind of Easter, more the eating of chocolate and decorating of Pussy Willow. Best part.. I totally did not just make up the Pussy Willow -part, apparently it is actually called that in English. It's true what They (who?) sometimes say, fact is funnier than fiction. Behold the proof that is Pussy Willow.. Pussy Willow..

Pussy Willow..

Okay, so it's not that funny. But it's still a little funny..

Anyway, Happy Easter Bitches!

Thursday, 21 April 2011

No Gingy for Sadsung

Boohoo for me, no Gingerbread just yet. Turns out Samsung fudged it a bit with the update (again!) to Gingerbread 2.3 as it bricked some phones, deleted the market place on others (again!!) and other unpleasant things. Lucky me I was actually going to update last Sunday, but alas my phone's battery was running a bit low so Kies (the PC software) told me to fuck off. Well not literally, it just complained that my battery was too low and refused to update. In hindsight I was lucky apparently as there are others out there who weren't as lucky. Because the next day when I was going to try to update it again Kies claimed that I had the latest firmware and refused to acknowledge the existence of 2.3, holding firmly on to that 2.2.1 is the latest. Later that day I found out that Gingy was fudged, so lucky me.

Sadsung is sad 'cos it got no Gingy!

By the way, that is actually a screen shot of my home screen, taken like a month ago but still. So now I'm just patiently waiting for a new update of the original new update. Yeah, Samsung likes to roll that way;

"Teasing with an update... Here you go, good customers of Samsung.. take it, don't be afraid, it's totally awesome, this new update... *pulls it away at the last second* Or maybe I'll just hold on to it a little more.. *gives it again* Nah, I'm just joking, here you go, taste my awesome penis.. *shoves it in unsuspecting mouth* Yeah, you like the taste of that don't you..

..Then you noticed that the metaphorical penis tastes like poop.. *Samsung pulls out again* Ooops, my bad, just a little poo-poo there, nothing to worry about, I'm totally STD-free.. (it's not) I'll just go and wash this off and we're good to go again Samsung says and then you you don't see them for weeks. And they don't even call you or anything."

Samsung Kies updates.. kind of like getting mouth-raped, I suppose.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Fuck Yeah, For Tees!

Fuck yeah! Last weekend I finally got my first report on how the T-shirts are doing. You know? The T-shirts I have designed and have for sale through Yeah, those.. I kind of thought that I hadn't been selling at all since I was told that I would get reports at the end of every month. Well, I heard nothing for like a month and a half-ish. So I just kind of figured that "well yeah, they probably have so many T-shirts that mine has now blended in with the crowd and I didn't get any sold when they were new, so I probably won't get any sold now.."

Yeah, I reused this image because I still haven't bothered to install Adobe Pooposhop(tm).

As it turns out, I was wrong.. but in a good way. Apparently they've (I've?) sold 13 T-shirts. Which admittedly probably sounds like very little, but since I've done no advertising except for blogging about them, I'm very happy. I mean come on, 13 people so far has thought that my designs were nice enough that they would spend the money to buy them. That's awesome! I still have plans of updating my website in a not so distant future, and when I do, I will make an effort to show of the T-shirts there as well, hoping it might encourage someone every now and then that; "Oooh, I totally wanna buy one of those!".

Anyways.. So if any of you 13 people out there who has bought a tee from me (Yeah, I so giddy I'm rhyming now..) Feel free to send me a picture of you wearing it, if you're into that kind of thing I mean. With your permission I'll gladly post some pictures of some people wearing my couture. If not, then yeah, that's cool too. We're still friends and all.

But if you think about it, like really stretching your imagination and such, this could be your only chance for shame.. fame, I mean your only chance for fame. Yeah, fame.. that's totally what I meant.

"Send a picture of yourself wearing my T-shirt, it will totally enlarge your E-Peen/E-Vag!"

Unless of course you don't want it larger, and in that case it will totally make it smaller. Or browner, or you know.. stuff.

Anyway. 13 sold T-shirts so far. I'm very pleased. To those of you that bought them, my deepest thanks! To those you of you just looked at them a little and then decided not to buy them.. shame on you.. repent your sins now, by buying two. Nah, it's okay, you probably have things you need more than one of my T-shirts.. like clean water.. or a roof over your head, it's okay.. I understand. Just wait until they're so popular that you can by a cheap knock-off in an obscure market for like 1$..

That's all for now.

Friday, 15 April 2011

The Stuff Arrives

Hurray! My ordered stuff has arrived. Actually it arrived on Wednesday, but I've had better things to do than blog. Shocked and appalled you say; "Surely not, what's more important than blogging!". And I confess to you with a slight hint of sadness and shame in my voice that, "No, you're right. I didn't have anything more important to do, I just felt too unmotivated to right about it the second it happened. And I never thought you'd call me out on my bluff."

Happy now? Now we're all a bit more sad on the inside?

Anyway, behold the gloriously, extremely badly edited ( or not so much edited as molested in pixlr, I have no Adobe Photopoop(tm) at the moment ) pictures of the Ukuleles. Just pretend that the badly drawn frames are.. well.. not badly drawn. And that the text looks like it's supposed to look instead.

Oh yeah, and before I forgot, the white cube next to them is my own "invention" the USCC™, Universal Size Comparison Cube™, the 50.8mm size to be specific. So you get a feel for the size of these. And yeah, they are incredible tiny was my first thought too. Apparently I have bigger hands than I thought.

That's 2 inches by the way if you use other, lesser systems, of measurement.

I haven't quite decided how to paint mine yet and since there's a lot of sanding ( that wounds weird ) before I can even get to the painting part, I'm not stressing so much about it yet.

Needless to say, it will be awesome and you will probably want to have sex with the Ukulele as well, just like you did with my words earlier.. perv.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Sad laptop is sad

So yeah. My new (old) laptop is sad. Sad laptop is sad. Sad laptop is also kind of dead. Damn it. I haven't tried connecting an external display through VGA yet, but I fear that it's not so much the screen that has died, but more that the GFX-card has... how do I put this? The fat lady has not only sang her songs, she's also left the building, gone home, made herself a cup of tea, gone to bed, woken up in the morning and moved on with her life.

Oakfield is no more, all hail Oakfield! (that's what I named the laptop)

Nah, I am going to check if I could get a external display to work. If so then excellent, because I can get all the work I've done on the laptop copied to the main machine (Zelda). Otherwise I suppose I'll have to take it apart so I can get the harddrive out of it and connect that to Zelda. Either way, I have to find a way to copy stuff from it since all the work I've done on the board game for the past year is on that. All the songs I written for the past year is on it. Unnerving times right now.

At least me and old Oaky had a good run. Remember that time when I had only had Oaky for like two days or something and then I spilled O'Boy on him. Yeah, that was hilarious and I ran around panicked thinking that I had ruined him. And then the following day he was still alive. Fun times. Me and Oaky had some good laughs, like when I tried to left-click sometimes and Oaky though it would be a lot funnier to pretend I was keeping the mouse bottom held. He used to like doing that when I was using Adobe Photoshop(tm) which is just his sort of humour. Or other times when Oaky pretended that I had double-clicked.. when really I hadn't. Like I said, fun times.. you bitchy-faced laptop. Or like how I never used his battery and kept it plugged in all the times instead because the battery was so shit that would only last.. for an hour, I think.

I always hated you Oaky, I hated your fat bitchin' face.

Anyway I'll keep you, all my three avid readers, up to date on how it goes. Next, on a very special episode of Blossom, the fate of Oaky is decided.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

The Dry Spell

Yeah, I know, I know.. shame on me. Only three posts in one month. What can I say..? Dry Spell? Would that suffice? Hmm, probably not.

So let's just all pretend that, instead of having written nothing for a month (almost), I been writing really funny and clever.. stuff. A-grade reading material. You read it, you loved it, made sweet (albeit weird) love to it. You pissed yourself because you laughed so hard. And then you made love to my writing again, because you're just freaky like that, you pervert. Deal?

Good, then we're all friends again. And also you made sweet erotic love to my clever and funny writings. But that's okay, I forgive you.

So has nothing remotely interesting been happening lately to bring on this dry spell? Well partly I suppose, I haven't really been all that creative lately. I want to, but nothing has come to mind to be creative about. Or well, actually now, that's not entirely true. I have two things on the horizon. One, kind of requires time alone at home, so that I can record a song, to which I will make a video as discussed with a friend. We had a great brainstorming session and out of that, the idea of a stop-motion paper cut-out figures -video was born...

It's okay, I can wait. Feel free to read it again, it was weird when I wrote it too. Stop-motion.. paper.. cut-out.. figures.. video. So yeah, just imagine me with a guitar.. but cut out of paper, and moving stop-motion style. Maybe it's better I just actually do the video, and you can see it when it's done instead of trying to imagine it now. But I will post some progress pictures and behind the scenes stuff whenever I have some

The other creative idea I have on the horizon is to build an Ukulele. Well not quite build one per se, I bought a "Build Your Own"-kit. But I'm still going to modify it and such.

I am very excited about this one. For one thing it'll be fun to own an Ukulele, and even more fun to "make" one. So yeah, the quality of this Tenayo is probably not the best. But then again, my Yamaha C-40 isn't the greatest guitar in the world either and I still enjoy playing on it frequently. What it lacks in build quality in makes up for in charm.

So I figured, if I get an Ukulele, surely my son should get one too. Mostly because he's always very fascinated when I play guitar, so yeah. Two Ukulele's, one for me and for my bastard spawn (it's okay, he knows I call him that).

I think that's all for now. But rest assured, I will try my best to blog more frequently since you "loved" my stuff so much.