Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Zombies And You Are Stupid

So zombies, yeah, they're pretty stupid. Or well, I suppose zombies per se aren't stupid, although they actually are. But more accurately the public view of zombies is stupid. I mean really? When your "enemy" is a decaying moron with the cognitive logistics of a piece of wood and the movement reflexes of your average senior citizen, what's there to be scared about? Really? And no, I'm not talking/thinking about our new ├╝berZombies that run like motherfuckers high of methamphetamine, a.k.a. the "28 Days Later" -syndrome. No I am thinking about the Classic Zombie, the George A. Romero zombie.

Classic Zombie, almost sounds like a brand though. "Tired and bored of Zombie? Well, we listened to you and brought back Classic Zombie! The Freshness is only a bite away!"

Anyway. As I was saying, the public view of zombies is stupid. I could walk briskly away from a zombie, that's how (not) dangerous they are. Yeah sure, if they gather enough in a group and somehow surround me before I notice anything. But how likely is that going to happen if I know they're out there. That's just as idiotic as walking outside to poke a bear that's outside waiting for you. So yeah, one could argue that what if I encounter a zombie in the very beginning of the outbreak, when I couldn't possibly know they're out there. Well, you know how when you encounter a drunken hobo on the street you instinctively evade them. Now imagine that they're also covered in blood. Which then again, some drunken hobos are anyway, so that comparison is pretty spot on. So whether I know there's a zombie outbreak or not, it's not like I'm going to hug the slobbering bastard.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against George A. Romero by the way, I don't even know him. I'm just saying the notion of zombies is stupid. It's like zombies checked all the wrong boxes when they were doing their character sheet. Slow? Check! Make noises to attract unwanted attention before I attack? Check? Smell worst than yesteryear's garbage just in case my prey doesn't hear my mumbling? Double-check!

Hmmm, what else could I add to my disappointing character sheet list, the Zombie thought to himself. Impaired motor skills thus disabling me from using any type of weapon other than my hands and mouth? Yeah, that sounds awesomely useless, check!

So in the end, because I promised myself I would keep this one short(er). Zombies are stupid. Resident Evil zombies are even stupider. And if you still feel like reading about zombies and stuff, you should check out Max Brook's "The Zombie Survival Guide". It's apparently available from amazon.com, I say apparently because I had to search for it myself first. But yeah, it's totally there, and having read it before, I can highly recommend it. If you like zombie stuff that is, otherwise you're probably better off reading something else.

Mock-up of what it could look like, but it doesn't.