Wednesday, 10 July 2013

The Weavers Of Nightmares

I’m sure we can all agree that some things are better left unseen. But since I’ve seen them I think it’s better that you see them too, since we’re such good friends, right? It’s like that saying, “A problem shared is a blah blah”, I forget the rest.

But here I am, sharing my problem anyway.

“Generally accepted internet rule that states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject.”
Rule 34,

Now I’m going to tempt faith by claiming that I might have just found something that is un-34-able.

Or, at least I hope so.

A pretty bold statement either way, especially since I’m aware that there are things like pterodactyl porn, live-action American Dad! Porn and… hold on to your breakfast because this one is seriously fucked up… “Along Came the Spider”, something so terrible fucked up and disturbing that I’m actually not going to post a picture of it. If you really want to know what it is, you’re going to have to search for it yourself. Don’t say I didn’t warn you though.

Besides, we’re all going to sleep soon anyway and I’m pretty sure you’re going to have enough nightmares as it is, without my “help”.

Obviously I’m dooming myself just by saying that they’re un-34-able, since that statement alone will make it stop being true. I’m sure someone out there is either going to make it true, or just send me a link proving that I was wrong in the first place. But until that deprived moment in Human history occurs I am going to live under the assumption that I’m right; “These two things are un-34-able.”

First up, this really really cute dog picture I found on the internet. Now I know what you might be thinking, “How could someone possibly want to deface with cutesy wootsy little doggy?” Or if you’re more familiar with the inner working of the internet, in which case you’re probably thinking, “Meh, I can find puppy-specific bestiality porn in two seconds”, which says more about you than me and also “Eeew!”.

I should be cute, I am attempt #35 after all.

Either way though, you would be wrong. Because what I found is almost worse than both of those. But you know what? I’m going to let a paragraph from their own website speak for itself, because quite frankly it says it better than I ever could;

“Do not place your dog in the Freezer. If you do there will be zero chance of cloning your dog. You must wrap your dogs entire body with wet bathing towels and place it in the Refridgerator to keep it cool. Do this first and then call us right away. Time is of the essence!”

So, apparently you never have to grief the loss of your beloved pet companion. Ever again, with the help of, the Dog Cloning Service. Spelling error included.

“If your dog has just died or is about to die, do not email us now.”

I kid you not.

What could possible be worse than this though?

Tobias, that’s what. Courtesy of Capellias Reborn Babies

“A reborn doll is a manufactured vinyl doll that has been transformed to resemble a human baby with as much realism as possible.”

Apparently many people who buy these do so to replace a child they have lost. Whilst I sympathise with people dealing with grief in really whatever way works for them, I do, and I must admire the craftsmanship that goes into making something like this, I can’t help but to ask “Do you really need to do it with something that looks like it stepped right out a horror movie?” I mean, seriously, look at it.

Look at it again.

That is the creepiest thing I have ever seen. Sure “Along Came The Spider” is disgusting and weird but this… this… is the kind of things nightmares are made of.

It looks like it’s about to eat my soul any second.

Anyway, sweet dreams.